yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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