she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
