woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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