I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
