my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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