i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
