if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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