I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
