As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
