I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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