someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
