Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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