I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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