you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
