she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
