people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
