oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I understand Curling. That high.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
