My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
