I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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