I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
