Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
