In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
