ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
