dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
