Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
