I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
