he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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