If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
