I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
