tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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