Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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