had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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