dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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