Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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