I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize