Plan B is the new Plan A
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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