On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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