she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
