I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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