If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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