Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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