i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
