the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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