You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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