his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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