Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
