I think i peed on brittanys purse
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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