And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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