I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I didn't notice because vodka
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
