I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
